I just started dating one of the girls in the evil steno pool. Is that a bad thing? — NoLongerDateless, Kangaroo Island, Australia

Dear Paranoid,

Define "bad." Define "evil." Heck, define, "dating." Depending upon your answers, this could be the difference between "Fatal Attraction" and "Endless Love" (those are old movies, for anyone born after 1987). Overall, I'm glad that you are no longer dateless, but just keep an eye on her. If she collects weapons, grows hemlock or has radiation or biohazard signs professionally mounted in her basement, think twice!

— Dr. Zork

I work for the software firm Metacortex. A good friend of mine recently told me that there is something called "The Matrix" and that it had me. He offered me a red pill or a blue pill. If I take the red pill apparently I will be released from the Matrix. How would that affect my membership in the union? — Paranoid, Phoenix, AZ

Dear Paranoid,

As long as your dues are paid up-to-date, it won't affect your standing in tthe Union at all. I'd be more concerned about what's in those pills. Caaaareful!

— Dr. Zork

What do you Overlords do with all of those 50-gallon drums I see stacked up all around the lair? — RedDrum, Chapel Hill, NC

Dear RedDrum,

If you look closely on each drum, you'll see that most states require a deposit of $.05 to $.10 for each drum purchased. We save up those drums and return them for recycling. In our Third-World offices, we donate them for the locals to use as fireplaces, stoves and telephone booths. Our organization stencils advertising on the sides of each drum, encouraging users of the drum/fireplace/telecommunications systems to join our organization as a minion or a henchperson. We also just dump some of them in fresh water ponds, swamps and playgrounds, when the fumes get too strong. MwooHaHaHaHa.

— Dr. Zork

I was considering joining the Union. If I joined, would I have tiger blood? — DizzyDavey, Cleveland, OH

Dear DizzyDavey,

You will absolutely have the blood of a tiger. It will flow through your veins with the fire of a thousand suns. You will have the strength of ten men and the wisdom of Methuselah. Your charisma will blossom like never before and you will have money, woman and fame. Your breath will be forever sweet and you will have the vigor of an Olympic athlete. I will be affected as well. Mainly because, if any of this actually happens, monkeys will fly out my butt. Of course you won't have tiger's blood. You need a tiger to have tiger's blood. Do you own a tiger? Probably not. You have wasted my time. No MwooHaHaHaHa for you.

— Dr. Zork

Our Henchman uniforms fit too tight. How lame is that?
— SuckingSartorially, Louisville, KY

Dear SuckingSartorially,

First of all, what the hell kind of name is that? While I can appreciate the alliteration of such a name, I can't help but to point out how vague it is. Certainly, you aren't sucking. But, how can clothes suck? I guess I had a little jumper that I wore when I was 3 that pretty well sucked. It had a chipmunk embroidered on it. I hate chipmunks. They get into your rations, they burrow under your sidewalk, they make that damnable "chirping" noise all through the Summer... if you don't like your uniform, quit or just don't wear it out to the bar, after you finish your shift. There are bigger things lin life to worry about. Move on. MwooHaHaHaHa!

— Dr. Zork

I want to advance my career as a henchman. What's the best way to do that? — OnMyWayUp, Alliance, OH

Dear OnMyWayUp,

I like the way you think. Upward mobility within an evil (or benevolent - if you're into that sort of thing) organization is the only way to positively adjust your pay, your workload and your chances for a mating partner in my new world order. If you are not already working for Dominatron enterprises, call my office NOW. MwooHaHaHaHa!

— Dr. Zork

(OnMyWayUp didn't call until the end of his shift at Fortitron. Donations can be sent to his widow via IUMHBE — Ed.).

How can I become an Evil Overlord? — Dreaming, Dallas, TX

Dear Dreaming,

You can't. Simply put; if you have to ask such a stupid question, you are too feeble-minded to put together the ultimate vision that will lead you to world domination. Besides, my 8-step program is already in motion. Even if you wrote a 6-step program, I will still crush you (primarily because I am on step 3, which puts me one step ahead of you — and SEVEN steps ahead of the potential overlords who are working on executing their 12-step programs). I can already taste the sweet, sweet taste of true overlordship. Bow before me. MwooHaHaHaHa!

— Dr. Zork

How do you buy or hire enough minions & hench[people] to staff your lair? — Buy Curious, LaGrange, IL

Dear Buy Curious,

There are plenty of people in this world looking for something better, looking for an identity and looking for a family. I simply offer all three. By offering better than a minimum wage, I can find ex-military personnel to staff most security and loss-prevention posts. With my snazzy uniforms, I can lure at least 100 fashion-conscious college graduates to provide accounting, technical and public relations help riival any temporary firm. The secret is to hire really good-looking ladies. The men will follow. Why do you think that bars have "ladies night?" Finally, with my Sunday morning pancake breakfasts, I can find enough bums, hobos and losers to fill the positions that are basically equivalent to cannon fodder... look that one up, if you don't know it... MwooHaHaHaHa!

— Dr. Zork